CUT TO:

Hand-held video footage. In the corner of the image we see the date: 12/25/04. We’re watching a semi-shaky home movie of Thanksgiving dinner.

MERLE, the grandfather, can be seen in a mirror behind the group, holding the video camera. He waves at his reflection.

MERLE
Well, here we are, at another Turkey Day with the Rodwells...

He pans the camera as MAE, middle-aged mom bustles in with the turkey on a platter.

MAE
Dad, get that thing away from me this instant!

Merle obeys, panning the camera shakily over to the table. STANLEY, father and P.H.D., looks up from the newspaper he’s reading. He awkwardly greets the camera.

STANLEY
Hi.

JARED, the typical video-gaming teenage son, waves hello as he puts bunny ears on his self-conscious late-teens sister, SARAH.

JARED
Hey everybody, this is my sister Sarah. She’s half troll.

Sarah bats his hand away, rolling her eyes. She avoids looking at the camera at all costs.

MERLE
Oh come on Sarah, give a smile for the camera.

Sarah reluctantly looks up and half-smiles.

Next to Sarah is UNCLE RANDY, eternal bachelor – that obnoxious relative that everyone secretly hopes won’t be able to make it to the family reunions. (Everyone but Jared, who thinks his uncle is the coolest, funniest human being alive).

Protruding from one of the sleeves of Randy’s shabby flannel shirt is a prosthetic arm, with a 3-fingered HOOK at the end.

MERLE
And there’s Uncle Randy, who drove down for the day.

The camera zooms in on the hook as Randy dips it into the cranberry sauce. He lifts the hook to his mouth and tastes it.
UNCLE RANDY
(laughing demonically)
For the weekend!

Sarah watches this, absolutely mortified.

UNCLE RANDY
Hey Sarah, what’s the matter? Dontcha like Uncle Randy’s claw?!?

Sarah’s eyes dart away, embarrassed. Uncle Randy gets louder - sort of aggressively, almost scarily jovial. Jared watches expectantly, loving every moment of his sister’s embarrassment.

RANDY
Come on, it’s cool. Check it out!

Randy puts a paper cup over his mouth with his good hand. He sucks in his breath, so the cup is stuck to his face. He starts faking Darth Vader’s breathing as he reaches out to Sarah with his claw.

UNCLE RANDY
Sarah...I am your father!

Sarah looks like she’s about to implode with embarrassment. Jared cackles with laughter.

MAE
Jared, now, don’t encourage him.

The camera pans to Stanley – he’s not much better, trying to contain his laughter.

Uncle Randy starts pawing at Sarah with his claw.

UNCLE RANDY
Join me, Sarah. It is your des-tiny.

Now dad is laughing out loud. Camera pans again. Mae is trying to contain herself. Jared is laughing his ass off, gasping for air. The camera shakes a little as Merle chuckles as well.

Camera zooms in on Sarah. Her face is red. Her jaw is clenched. She’s pissed.

Suddenly, she stands up, knocking her chair back. She brings something out from under the table.

FSSSSSSSSHHHHHHK!

The trademark glowing blade of a Lightsaber comes to life.

SCHWONK!

With a quick flick, Sarah slices off the end of Uncle Randy’s prosthetic hand.

CLATTER – the claw tumbles onto the table.

Everyone freezes. All is silent except for the hum of the lightsaber.

SHHHHHHHHHHHOIK!

The glowing blade retracts. Smoke rises from the brown, seared stump of the prosthetic wrist.

Everyone stares, speechless. The paper cup falls off Randy’s face as he stares at his severed claw, stunned.

Sarah looks around sheepishly. She sits back down, picks up her fork and starts eating again.

CUT TO BLACK

TEXT
Get Your Revenge

CUT TO:

SCREEN SHOTS OF STAR WARS: Episode III video game.

CUT TO:

Sarah and Uncle Randy holding XBOX controllers, playing feverishly.

Uncle Randy’s claw is duct-taped back on. He clicks away furiously at the buttons with his hook. The paper cup is over his mouth.

UNCLE RANDY
It is useless to resist me...!

CUT TO: XBOX LOGO

CUT TO BLACK

 

 

All contentsBradley King, 1999-2003.